What?

This has been one of the roughest stretches of my life, which is an odd fact to ponder. A passing glance to my current situation relative to the past, would probably yield a very positive evaluation. However, internally I am struggling to keep myself together at times.

My friends give me strength, but they seem curiously far away at this time even though physically they are close by. For the first time, I feel like I am not able to help them with their problems, which I have always been able to do.

Then there are my own set of problems and issues. Things I have never dealt with and I'm sure not many others have dealt with. I am at a loss for resources in this matter. There is no one that I know of that can give me helpful advice and that is a frightening thought. To call my situation precarious would be grossly understating it.

I wonder how long I can go on living under these conditions. From where can I find the courage to believe that things will work out?

One of Those Nights

I'm really losing it tonight. I'm not sure exactly why, but today just wasn't a good day. On any regular day, I consider myself pretty upbeat, but definitely not today. Spreading gloom and dread is never a good thing. However, trying to appear upbeat and encouraging others to be the same while not genuinely feeling that way myself is even more deflating to my psyche.

Am I not allowed to have one day such as today? I don't know. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.

Christmas Poem

There is only one thing
I want this Christmas.

A warm greeting,
A smiling face.

Not from anyone.
Just from You.

Statuses of Late Night Overthinking

Every once in a while, I spend way too much time ruminating over my life problems and proceed to become self-loathing and depressed. This is some real pretentious emo-kid stuff if I am being honest with how it may look to an outsider.

Some nights are more serious than others. Within the last couple of years, I've had some real low points. When I say "low" I mean considering the "S" word.

This is the part where someone more normal and less self-aware might post a depressing ambiguous status to Facebook or Twitter in some sick attempt to foster attention and fake sympathy from the internet. I can't say I haven't had the urge to do this myself on occasion. Even though inherently I don't like the idea of gushing to the internet publicly-- I feel like posting something here would be somewhat different.

No one has even read my recent posts so if any one was going to end up reading this, it might be someone (a friend) who could truly help me.

With that here are some statuses from one of those nights -- ie tonight.

"I wonder if it might be better if I wasn't here sometimes. I think about it way too often."

"When one spends all their time concerned about and helping others, one wonders who is concerned and helping one."

"Why is life so freakin' hard?"

"If I actually followed my own advice, I wouldn't feel like this."

Try to have a good night, friends.

Being Thankful

On this Thanksgiving in 2015. There are a lot of noteworthy things I can be thankful for. However, Thanksgiving should be but a mere placeholder in one's mind as a date that need not be placed on a pedestal as something to give credence to our thankful thoughts. Being thankful and humble are things that should be in forefront of the mind every day of the year.

Because of certain life events in recent months, I have been more focused than ever on the values laid out above. I truly marvel at the fortunate circumstance I find myself in with each passing day, hour, and minute that goes by.

I was born to a mother in South Korea who could not take care of me and thus made the difficult decision to put me up for adoption. The two people who became the mom and dad I know today are two of the best people I know. Without their guidance, care, and love, I do not wish to fathom what other sort of person could have emerged.

It was their foundation that has allowed me to spring forward in the positive directions I have: surrounding myself with excellent friends and being the type of person who's legacy could be defined by those friends.

Thanks to the support of these friends and family, I have met perhaps the best person I have had the privilege to know. A person who I love and want nothing more than to be loved back by. It's been an eventful year, indeed. But on this Thanksgiving in 2015, let's all try to remember how we arrived here and strive to make the most of what we have every single day.

Influence and Interaction

Sometimes I really question what sort of effect I have on others just by my every day demeanor. It’s an extremely difficult thing to judge in oneself. I believe this effect on others is something that really measures a person’s true character.

Admittedly, this matters to me a great deal. Through intimate conversation I know I’ve had a profound effect long-term on others. It’s one thing to influence others positively over a long period of time and interaction. It’s quite another to do that in the short-term. Simply by being around others, those people are instantly uplifted.

This is a trait I wish I possessed as so many of those around me tend to easily drift to a wavering state of uneasiness. Perhaps in time I will be able to reach them, but why not more immediately? I want to be looked upon for strength. However, at this moment, I feel as though there is no way I could possibly be viewed that way. It’s at these times, I feel the most unsure of myself. 

What Visiting Home is Like

My parents are two of the greatest people I know. That seems like something obvious that a son would say, but I know enough that others are not as lucky as me when it comes to upbringing. With that said, they do get on my nerves plenty. This weekend was a prime example. Constant grilling about my relationship situation among other life choices they subtlely  disapprove of wears on my patience. I’ll return home once again this coming weekend and hope that I can tolerate another one of their questioning sessions.