Well...

A lot of people around me are finally doing well.

I should be happy.

I don't know why I'm not.

If I were to go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow, I don't think that would be such a bad thing...

Manga and Suicide

I recently finished reading a manga called Orange (Spoilers ahead). It's a romance that centers around a group of friends and their efforts to prevent the male main character (Kakeru) from killing himself and thus enabling him to hook up with the female main character.

I imagine a plot like this resonates more with the Japanese audience since suicide is a more pronounced societal issue than it is here. However, I was deeply affected by the plight of the characters since the ideas and discourse presented in the story are things I can relate to in more ways than one-- most poignantly the lingering and haunting thought of ending my own life.

The themes are certainly familiar to anyone who has been suicidal. If loved ones somehow learn of the depression, they instantly want to help, it's the natural reaction and I understand it. However, to people who have these nagging thoughts, it's not always so simple and this is illustrated well throughout the story.

Kakeru feels he doesn't deserve to be among the living even though it is obvious to him and the reader that his friends would certainly be greatly affected for the worse if he carries out his plan to end his own life. Even so, he doesn't shake the thought of suicide until the very end of the story.

I am very fortunate to be literally surrounded by great friends and a loving family but this alone is not a cure for these dreadful feelings. It's hard to explain. I think I am like a lot of others that believe that those around them could simply carry on without them.

The manga's story is interesting because it shows the future where Kakeru had killed himself and how it filled the other characters with a tremendous amount of regret and self-loathing. It makes me wonder what a future would be like without a me in it. I suppose it is this future presented in the story that has resonated with me. Life is full of regrets and it is one of the worst feelings.

I don't want to be the cause of anyone having such a horrible feeling for the rest of their lives. Still it's a struggle to keep going sometimes and I still question whether I have the strength to fight this shadow of myself back into the recesses of my mind.

What?

This has been one of the roughest stretches of my life, which is an odd fact to ponder. A passing glance to my current situation relative to the past, would probably yield a very positive evaluation. However, internally I am struggling to keep myself together at times.

My friends give me strength, but they seem curiously far away at this time even though physically they are close by. For the first time, I feel like I am not able to help them with their problems, which I have always been able to do.

Then there are my own set of problems and issues. Things I have never dealt with and I'm sure not many others have dealt with. I am at a loss for resources in this matter. There is no one that I know of that can give me helpful advice and that is a frightening thought. To call my situation precarious would be grossly understating it.

I wonder how long I can go on living under these conditions. From where can I find the courage to believe that things will work out?

One of Those Nights

I'm really losing it tonight. I'm not sure exactly why, but today just wasn't a good day. On any regular day, I consider myself pretty upbeat, but definitely not today. Spreading gloom and dread is never a good thing. However, trying to appear upbeat and encouraging others to be the same while not genuinely feeling that way myself is even more deflating to my psyche.

Am I not allowed to have one day such as today? I don't know. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.

Christmas Poem

There is only one thing
I want this Christmas.

A warm greeting,
A smiling face.

Not from anyone.
Just from You.

Statuses of Late Night Overthinking

Every once in a while, I spend way too much time ruminating over my life problems and proceed to become self-loathing and depressed. This is some real pretentious emo-kid stuff if I am being honest with how it may look to an outsider.

Some nights are more serious than others. Within the last couple of years, I've had some real low points. When I say "low" I mean considering the "S" word.

This is the part where someone more normal and less self-aware might post a depressing ambiguous status to Facebook or Twitter in some sick attempt to foster attention and fake sympathy from the internet. I can't say I haven't had the urge to do this myself on occasion. Even though inherently I don't like the idea of gushing to the internet publicly-- I feel like posting something here would be somewhat different.

No one has even read my recent posts so if any one was going to end up reading this, it might be someone (a friend) who could truly help me.

With that here are some statuses from one of those nights -- ie tonight.

"I wonder if it might be better if I wasn't here sometimes. I think about it way too often."

"When one spends all their time concerned about and helping others, one wonders who is concerned and helping one."

"Why is life so freakin' hard?"

"If I actually followed my own advice, I wouldn't feel like this."

Try to have a good night, friends.

Being Thankful

On this Thanksgiving in 2015. There are a lot of noteworthy things I can be thankful for. However, Thanksgiving should be but a mere placeholder in one's mind as a date that need not be placed on a pedestal as something to give credence to our thankful thoughts. Being thankful and humble are things that should be in forefront of the mind every day of the year.

Because of certain life events in recent months, I have been more focused than ever on the values laid out above. I truly marvel at the fortunate circumstance I find myself in with each passing day, hour, and minute that goes by.

I was born to a mother in South Korea who could not take care of me and thus made the difficult decision to put me up for adoption. The two people who became the mom and dad I know today are two of the best people I know. Without their guidance, care, and love, I do not wish to fathom what other sort of person could have emerged.

It was their foundation that has allowed me to spring forward in the positive directions I have: surrounding myself with excellent friends and being the type of person who's legacy could be defined by those friends.

Thanks to the support of these friends and family, I have met perhaps the best person I have had the privilege to know. A person who I love and want nothing more than to be loved back by. It's been an eventful year, indeed. But on this Thanksgiving in 2015, let's all try to remember how we arrived here and strive to make the most of what we have every single day.