This is the End

 I am closer and closer every day to the end of my life. Closer and closer. My 'friends' just keep drifting away from me and I can't stop it. I feel like my head is so warped that I can't think objectively any longer. Maybe I am just going crazy. I hate the idea of medication and even fear it but it might be what I need ultimately. My number one concern is how. If I attempt it, I definitely don't want to survive. God help me.

I Hate Everything

I just wish I had someone to talk to that was nearby that actually valued my thoughts and listened to what I had to say. It's extremely disheartening to be ignored or feel like you can't be yourself. I don't fit in here and it hurts so much.

There are those that are suffering all around you

 http://www.danielmattituck.com/p/about-me.html

I didn't know him, but was able to interact with him several times enough to know he was a good person. This is so much like me, I feel like we could have talked at length about our feelings. At the very least have an outlet although I doubt it would have prevented his death. Rest in peace. Even from someone you didn't even know at all, you will not be forgotten.

I Just Hate Everything

 Ugh

More Downward Turns

 All I ever try to be in life is a good friend, a decent person, someone to rely on. It sucks when someone who you thought you had built a lifelong bond with suddenly nonchalantly shuts you out of their life entirely.

This has now happened twice in the last few months. Things just keep getting worse, not better. My list of reliable friends and allies grows shorter.

Ultimately, one only needs that one true friend to be able to stick it out and be happy in life. I do believe that. I still have that one true friend thankfully. Perhaps there are no others out there. That would be tragic.

It really hurts to have your trust exploited and broken. I am not well.

How to Define Oneself

People are horrible at describing what kind of person they are. The approaches many take to defining themselves are often flawed and misguided. Many lead with occupation, vocation, or career. I'm an office manager. I'm a lawyer. I'm an entrepreneur. Others lead with hobbies, interests, or subculture. I'm a fighting game player, I'm a skater, I'm a goth. Others lead with faith. I'm a loving christian. I'm a practicing muslim. I'm a buddhist. Usually, it is some combination of these that people draw meaning to themselves. This mindset carries over in these people to how they define others as well. While these approaches may be useful on your Match.com profile, they do little for me in terms of defining who a person really is.

I lead with character, actions, and thoughtfulness. I want to be known as someone who is honest, caring, does right by his friends and others alike. A person who is intelligent that strives to convert ignorance to understanding whenever possible. An open mind that seeks not only knowledge but experience. These qualities are what I believe define me. If not, it is what I hope to be defined as in a human existence that is neither perfect nor riddled with missteps.

To those that do not take the same approach as me I find I will never connect with such people. To not understand this, is not to understand me. Indeed, I also try to seek others out that not only take the same fundamental approach but also share at least some if not all of the qualities I endear to myself. Unfortunately, I find that such people are very rare and one can easily be deceived.

It is with this in mind that I (try to) live my life.

I Want to End My Life

The Difference A Year Makes

 It's been almost a year now that I quit my job. At the same time, my life took an abrupt downward turn that I have not been able to pull myself out of and no signs of it becoming any better.

My closest friends left me to pursue their own ambitions, leaving me with nothing to look forward to and no one to protect me from myself.

May God have mercy on my soul.

I Hate My Life

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Today I really messed up

I don't deserve to live.

Sometimes I have no idea

There is not a worse feeling than disappointing someone who counts on you. I feel defeated. There seems to be nothing for me here so what am I even doing? I just don't know.

Today...

It sucked. I hate everything.

I wish my life was over.

I have many good friends.  These are close friends that I know I can count on and trust. Of this, I am truly grateful, thankful, and blessed.

Even so, I can’t escape the feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and fear. These demons haunt me to no end and it’s difficult for those close to me to understand. Each day I ponder the reason I have for rising each morning.

To those reading this, know that I am not well. I need you more than ever, and above all else, just try to understand.

I apologize to those I have brought down because of my behavior or mood. My mind has been ensnared. Know that if I am no longer around one day soon, it is not your fault and only my own. I wish I knew what to do. I’m sorry.

Well...

A lot of people around me are finally doing well.

I should be happy.

I don't know why I'm not.

If I were to go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow, I don't think that would be such a bad thing...

Manga and Suicide

I recently finished reading a manga called Orange (Spoilers ahead). It's a romance that centers around a group of friends and their efforts to prevent the male main character (Kakeru) from killing himself and thus enabling him to hook up with the female main character.

I imagine a plot like this resonates more with the Japanese audience since suicide is a more pronounced societal issue than it is here. However, I was deeply affected by the plight of the characters since the ideas and discourse presented in the story are things I can relate to in more ways than one-- most poignantly the lingering and haunting thought of ending my own life.

The themes are certainly familiar to anyone who has been suicidal. If loved ones somehow learn of the depression, they instantly want to help, it's the natural reaction and I understand it. However, to people who have these nagging thoughts, it's not always so simple and this is illustrated well throughout the story.

Kakeru feels he doesn't deserve to be among the living even though it is obvious to him and the reader that his friends would certainly be greatly affected for the worse if he carries out his plan to end his own life. Even so, he doesn't shake the thought of suicide until the very end of the story.

I am very fortunate to be literally surrounded by great friends and a loving family but this alone is not a cure for these dreadful feelings. It's hard to explain. I think I am like a lot of others that believe that those around them could simply carry on without them.

The manga's story is interesting because it shows the future where Kakeru had killed himself and how it filled the other characters with a tremendous amount of regret and self-loathing. It makes me wonder what a future would be like without a me in it. I suppose it is this future presented in the story that has resonated with me. Life is full of regrets and it is one of the worst feelings.

I don't want to be the cause of anyone having such a horrible feeling for the rest of their lives. Still it's a struggle to keep going sometimes and I still question whether I have the strength to fight this shadow of myself back into the recesses of my mind.

What?

This has been one of the roughest stretches of my life, which is an odd fact to ponder. A passing glance to my current situation relative to the past, would probably yield a very positive evaluation. However, internally I am struggling to keep myself together at times.

My friends give me strength, but they seem curiously far away at this time even though physically they are close by. For the first time, I feel like I am not able to help them with their problems, which I have always been able to do.

Then there are my own set of problems and issues. Things I have never dealt with and I'm sure not many others have dealt with. I am at a loss for resources in this matter. There is no one that I know of that can give me helpful advice and that is a frightening thought. To call my situation precarious would be grossly understating it.

I wonder how long I can go on living under these conditions. From where can I find the courage to believe that things will work out?

One of Those Nights

I'm really losing it tonight. I'm not sure exactly why, but today just wasn't a good day. On any regular day, I consider myself pretty upbeat, but definitely not today. Spreading gloom and dread is never a good thing. However, trying to appear upbeat and encouraging others to be the same while not genuinely feeling that way myself is even more deflating to my psyche.

Am I not allowed to have one day such as today? I don't know. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.

Christmas Poem

There is only one thing
I want this Christmas.

A warm greeting,
A smiling face.

Not from anyone.
Just from You.

Statuses of Late Night Overthinking

Every once in a while, I spend way too much time ruminating over my life problems and proceed to become self-loathing and depressed. This is some real pretentious emo-kid stuff if I am being honest with how it may look to an outsider.

Some nights are more serious than others. Within the last couple of years, I've had some real low points. When I say "low" I mean considering the "S" word.

This is the part where someone more normal and less self-aware might post a depressing ambiguous status to Facebook or Twitter in some sick attempt to foster attention and fake sympathy from the internet. I can't say I haven't had the urge to do this myself on occasion. Even though inherently I don't like the idea of gushing to the internet publicly-- I feel like posting something here would be somewhat different.

No one has even read my recent posts so if any one was going to end up reading this, it might be someone (a friend) who could truly help me.

With that here are some statuses from one of those nights -- ie tonight.

"I wonder if it might be better if I wasn't here sometimes. I think about it way too often."

"When one spends all their time concerned about and helping others, one wonders who is concerned and helping one."

"Why is life so freakin' hard?"

"If I actually followed my own advice, I wouldn't feel like this."

Try to have a good night, friends.