Sometimes I have no idea

There is not a worse feeling than disappointing someone who counts on you. I feel defeated. There seems to be nothing for me here so what am I even doing? I just don't know.

Today...

It sucked. I hate everything.

I wish my life was over.

I have many good friends.  These are close friends that I know I can count on and trust. Of this, I am truly grateful, thankful, and blessed.

Even so, I can’t escape the feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and fear. These demons haunt me to no end and it’s difficult for those close to me to understand. Each day I ponder the reason I have for rising each morning.

To those reading this, know that I am not well. I need you more than ever, and above all else, just try to understand.

I apologize to those I have brought down because of my behavior or mood. My mind has been ensnared. Know that if I am no longer around one day soon, it is not your fault and only my own. I wish I knew what to do. I’m sorry.

Well...

A lot of people around me are finally doing well.

I should be happy.

I don't know why I'm not.

If I were to go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow, I don't think that would be such a bad thing...

Manga and Suicide

I recently finished reading a manga called Orange (Spoilers ahead). It's a romance that centers around a group of friends and their efforts to prevent the male main character (Kakeru) from killing himself and thus enabling him to hook up with the female main character.

I imagine a plot like this resonates more with the Japanese audience since suicide is a more pronounced societal issue than it is here. However, I was deeply affected by the plight of the characters since the ideas and discourse presented in the story are things I can relate to in more ways than one-- most poignantly the lingering and haunting thought of ending my own life.

The themes are certainly familiar to anyone who has been suicidal. If loved ones somehow learn of the depression, they instantly want to help, it's the natural reaction and I understand it. However, to people who have these nagging thoughts, it's not always so simple and this is illustrated well throughout the story.

Kakeru feels he doesn't deserve to be among the living even though it is obvious to him and the reader that his friends would certainly be greatly affected for the worse if he carries out his plan to end his own life. Even so, he doesn't shake the thought of suicide until the very end of the story.

I am very fortunate to be literally surrounded by great friends and a loving family but this alone is not a cure for these dreadful feelings. It's hard to explain. I think I am like a lot of others that believe that those around them could simply carry on without them.

The manga's story is interesting because it shows the future where Kakeru had killed himself and how it filled the other characters with a tremendous amount of regret and self-loathing. It makes me wonder what a future would be like without a me in it. I suppose it is this future presented in the story that has resonated with me. Life is full of regrets and it is one of the worst feelings.

I don't want to be the cause of anyone having such a horrible feeling for the rest of their lives. Still it's a struggle to keep going sometimes and I still question whether I have the strength to fight this shadow of myself back into the recesses of my mind.

What?

This has been one of the roughest stretches of my life, which is an odd fact to ponder. A passing glance to my current situation relative to the past, would probably yield a very positive evaluation. However, internally I am struggling to keep myself together at times.

My friends give me strength, but they seem curiously far away at this time even though physically they are close by. For the first time, I feel like I am not able to help them with their problems, which I have always been able to do.

Then there are my own set of problems and issues. Things I have never dealt with and I'm sure not many others have dealt with. I am at a loss for resources in this matter. There is no one that I know of that can give me helpful advice and that is a frightening thought. To call my situation precarious would be grossly understating it.

I wonder how long I can go on living under these conditions. From where can I find the courage to believe that things will work out?