Untitled Poem

In those days,
We were true.
No one there.
Things were new.

Now you are gone.
I search alone.
There is no hope.
My heart is stone.

Can I hide?
Is all lost?
Can you see?
At what cost?

No way out.
The night calls.
I move forward.
My body falls.

Growing Up and Growing Apart - What Do I Do When A Friend Moves Away?

I need to delay my posts about those closest to me, because I need to address the issue of said people drifting farther away, quite literally. It's been two weeks. Two weeks since my best friend moved away-- over 1800 miles away to the California coast. In life, it is foolish to think that we as humans will stay in the same place all the time. I knew the day would come when we would have to say good bye and go our separate ways and live our separate lives. Even knowing this, I was not prepared.

The date of which he would move away and be gone from the range of my extended voice came upon me so abruptly, I didn't have much time to react. Our final evening sharing each other's company drew to a close and the weight of the situation fell upon me. I didn't know what to say or do. What to do you say to someone who has been your closest friend since the 8th grade and is now leaving for who knows how long? All I said was, "I'm going to miss you." This is easily one of the most difficult statements I have uttered in my life. I didn't expect to be so emotional. Walking out of his apartment door, I thought to myself, "This is it. I don't know when we'll see each other again."

It was done. So brief. I wanted to say more but couldn't find the words. The door taunted me as I turned back. I stared as if wanting to see through the door or somehow open it without me having to walk back. The walk to through the parking lot was a slow one. My tears prevailed once I entered my car.

Who Am I?

No, I'm not talking about the Jackie Chan movie. This question was posed to me somewhat playfully by one of my good friends the other day. Being as I am, I took the query seriously as a philosophical question. Honestly, I think about this question on a nearly daily basis, and I have yet to come up with a specific answer as it pertains to myself as a person. However, looking at the question in broader terms has led me to the conclusion that one can not define oneself-- at least very easily. Instead, the people one surrounds oneself with are the ones that can really answer the question. We are defined by the people we impact whether that impact is good or bad. As a result of this thought, the titular question usually turns into the question of "How have I impacted people?" And in turn, "How have they impacted me?"

With those two questions in mind, my next few posts will be small tributes to my closest friends. Every day, I thank the stars for how fortunate I have been to have met and become close to these people. I've always considered myself to be socially awkward at best, and I marvel at how I managed to even have the courage to speak to others let alone become friends with anyone. Life is difficult, and without people to support me-- who knows how much worse off I could be.

Time For Reevaluation

I'm not sure what it is, but I've become depressed over the past couple of days. It's very strange. I just returned from a great weekend with friends. It was like an adventure. Maybe returning from that extreme high has thrust the mundanity of everyday experience into my face. I don't know. To me, I don't think I should be feeling this way. It almost feels like this is certainly one of the lowest moments of my life, but it isn't. Is it? But there must be some reason I feel this way, right?

Therefore, it's time for some self-inspection, some reexamination, some reevaluation-- of my life, my experience, my self. I need to improve, not in one thing, but in all things. I need to do good. No, I don't mean "do well." I mean "do good." I think I'm taking a step in the right direction with this post.

Another Blog, Another Start

Ever since I started my main blog about my experience playing fighting games, "Stock Tank" in order to keep my writing active and actually have something to write about on a regular basis, I've had more and more ideas for personal posts. Thoughts, experiences, dreams, worries, anxieties, in other words, things that don't belong on Stock Tank. The irony is obvious. I didn't want to start another blog because I felt I would be spreading myself too thin on here on this mass expanse we call the internet. It sounds stupid, maybe pretentious, but I care about whether people are actually reading or watching the things I post on the internet. The worry being by having two blogs, I would be spreading views and hits around to the point neither blog would be successful.

I've reached the breaking point. Whatever misguided notion that I may be noticed somewhere outside of my enclosed circle has been surpassed by all the built up feelings, thoughts, and musings I want to have recorded here. I thought about a hand-written journal, but I feel sharing these things-- even to an imagined audience is something I want regardless of any criticism I may receive.

Here's hoping I can keep this up. I feel like I have a lot to say. Listen well will you?