This is the End

 I am closer and closer every day to the end of my life. Closer and closer. My 'friends' just keep drifting away from me and I can't stop it. I feel like my head is so warped that I can't think objectively any longer. Maybe I am just going crazy. I hate the idea of medication and even fear it but it might be what I need ultimately. My number one concern is how. If I attempt it, I definitely don't want to survive. God help me.

I Hate Everything

I just wish I had someone to talk to that was nearby that actually valued my thoughts and listened to what I had to say. It's extremely disheartening to be ignored or feel like you can't be yourself. I don't fit in here and it hurts so much.

There are those that are suffering all around you

 http://www.danielmattituck.com/p/about-me.html

I didn't know him, but was able to interact with him several times enough to know he was a good person. This is so much like me, I feel like we could have talked at length about our feelings. At the very least have an outlet although I doubt it would have prevented his death. Rest in peace. Even from someone you didn't even know at all, you will not be forgotten.

I Just Hate Everything

 Ugh

More Downward Turns

 All I ever try to be in life is a good friend, a decent person, someone to rely on. It sucks when someone who you thought you had built a lifelong bond with suddenly nonchalantly shuts you out of their life entirely.

This has now happened twice in the last few months. Things just keep getting worse, not better. My list of reliable friends and allies grows shorter.

Ultimately, one only needs that one true friend to be able to stick it out and be happy in life. I do believe that. I still have that one true friend thankfully. Perhaps there are no others out there. That would be tragic.

It really hurts to have your trust exploited and broken. I am not well.

How to Define Oneself

People are horrible at describing what kind of person they are. The approaches many take to defining themselves are often flawed and misguided. Many lead with occupation, vocation, or career. I'm an office manager. I'm a lawyer. I'm an entrepreneur. Others lead with hobbies, interests, or subculture. I'm a fighting game player, I'm a skater, I'm a goth. Others lead with faith. I'm a loving christian. I'm a practicing muslim. I'm a buddhist. Usually, it is some combination of these that people draw meaning to themselves. This mindset carries over in these people to how they define others as well. While these approaches may be useful on your Match.com profile, they do little for me in terms of defining who a person really is.

I lead with character, actions, and thoughtfulness. I want to be known as someone who is honest, caring, does right by his friends and others alike. A person who is intelligent that strives to convert ignorance to understanding whenever possible. An open mind that seeks not only knowledge but experience. These qualities are what I believe define me. If not, it is what I hope to be defined as in a human existence that is neither perfect nor riddled with missteps.

To those that do not take the same approach as me I find I will never connect with such people. To not understand this, is not to understand me. Indeed, I also try to seek others out that not only take the same fundamental approach but also share at least some if not all of the qualities I endear to myself. Unfortunately, I find that such people are very rare and one can easily be deceived.

It is with this in mind that I (try to) live my life.

I Want to End My Life